omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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