There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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