I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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