I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
