I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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