In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
