Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
