We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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