my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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