I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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