ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
