I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
