Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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