sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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