i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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