my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
