Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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