I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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