Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
