worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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