Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Fuck me I smell like cheese
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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