ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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