How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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