Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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