I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
