I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
