I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
