i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Are we still banned from the library?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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