the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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