they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
