he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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