i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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