I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
