Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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