I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
