This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
