literally had 100 drinks last night.
It's Friday. Sex?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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