dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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