i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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