i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
