There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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