Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
