Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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