I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
