There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
