hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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