I could have mohawked her pubes.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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