remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
