Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
