dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
