high people should be assigned attendants
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
