my mouth tastes like poor choices
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
