I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
