He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
