Swine flu. Run for my life!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
