I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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