Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
