Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
