just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
