from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
