Got a toothbrush?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
