Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
